It Is Called Intimacy Anorexia

1Subject: It Is Called Intimacy Anorexia Wed Dec 09, 2015 12:18 pm

There was a movie back in the 70’s by the name of The Stepford Wives. It was also remade in the 90’s as well. It was a satirical and the book was written by Ira Levin. It’s about a small town in the North East of the US by the name Stepford. This small town is run by all men and their lovely, well-mannered wives accompany them in their garden parties, raise the children and constantly be pleasant to their husbands and other wives. Sounds like a perfect community doesn’t it? There is a catch though. Most of the women were not this way before coming there and there was something about the wives the husbands wanted to change. They wanted their women to be prim and proper and totally submissive to whatever their husbands wanted of them. The women were expected to have the cleanest house, do all the work to keep the men happy and satisfied, and have the greatest moments in the bedroom. There was something wrong with this picture but it was hard for the new women to catch on at first. The husbands were all happy and satisfied, but the women, well that was another thing. They were expected to give to the husband, but the husband was not giving themselves to their wives. The author Ira Levin only touched on a very serious condition in his book and in the movie. I doubt that he ever knew about this. There really is such a condition that some men/women have that is like this.

For most it is a satirical move, and some men will tell you that it is one of the funniest movies they have seen, but for us, who are forced to live this way, it is a living hell. There are many of us out here in the real world. Though we did not go through that one night transformation such as in the movie we are forced in one way or another to be a “Stepford Wife”.

I had no idea that there was something like this until I seen a program on the TV a few months ago. Things in my marriage were not making sense either and I couldn’t put my finger on any certain thing. It was like seeing something or having a feeling and it vanishes before you can focus on it. This feeling is strange indeed. There really is a condition such as this running around in men and in some women too. It’s called,Intimacy Anorexia. I know about it now and this is my story.

When I first met my husband he was very kind and considerate to me. We walked down streets in towns holding hands. He would kiss me like no other and get my senses aroused. Everything was good. He even came to visit me and hold my hand in the hospital. He would stay until I could hold his hand no longer as the knock out drugs took me under. He would just be the most considerate person. Sure there were things that came up and stuff like that but he wasn’t perfect. They weren’t things that I couldn’t deal with and I didn’t think they were that big of a deal. He had his life still and I had mine. Merging the two I knew would be a task because it always is. I didn’t want to rush into things and we dated for a little over a year and a half. He then asked me to marry him and of course I said yes. So we set the date and life was grand and we were happy. I went through RCIA and we went to Engaged Encounter and all the things we were to do to prepare for this union. Nothing brought up red flags and I was too enamored by him to even take notice if there were. We passed all these things with flying colors. Love was in the air and it felt good for a change.

Things started to get confusing on our wedding night. Now he had a really bad accident 15 years prior to when we meet and he was left for dead and had a closed head injury. He does have an impediment that is confusing to write about. Something about using pronouns and verb tenses in writing but he can do it when reading or speaking and he is slow. No big deal.

You can be sure I was upset when we did not consummate the marriage and he fell asleep while I had gone to the bathroom to change out of my wedding gown. I did try to wake him and I ended up crying in the bathroom that whole night. I did not get any sleep at all. Funny how he would take my hand and we walked around the sites and places we went on our honeymoon. So I just put it behind me and thought he really was that tired, because he still hugged me and kissed me and all the rest.

It was a couple weeks later that I initiated the bedroom scene and we were on the floor and when I went to get on top he brought up his knee and pushed me off. I was shocked at the behavior. He did not hurt me becasue when he puched with his knee it brought me back to a standing position. The emotional implication that he didn’t want me hurt very much and I just looked at him and he didn’t say a word. I gathered myself up and went to take a shower. I was bewildered. I thought that I did something wrong and it was something that I did or said or it was some spark from his head trauma. I called the priest that married us and tld him about all this. He wasnted to get the marriage annulled. OMG! I had no place to go and no one to believe me.

Things started to get worse. Oh throughout this I stayed in the relationship. A few times I did leave and stayed someplace else for a few days. You will say that I am crazy and I should have left but keep in mind I truly thought it was his traumatic accident and brain injury experience that were causing these things. I also seen a pattern to it. He would get this way and then also become bossy a day or two after he had gone to a Knight's Of Columbus meeting. That was the strangest thing. That is why I felt like I was being groomed to be a "Stepford Wife." It is also one of the reasons why I left the Catholic Church.

I noticed that when I talked with my hands it would agitate him. I was putting the silverware in the draw one day got me put in the shower, fully clothed, and not let out until he was good and ready to let me out. He would stand there so that I could not get out. Sometimes he would put me on the bed and stand over me until he also thought that I was ready to get up. Most times I would be naked in this position.  When I told him that I was ready to get up he still would not let me get up until it was his time to let me up. He would also play games with me and hide my purse and I would have to call his work and plead with him to find my purse so that I could go to work. Ok, this was a huge red flag but I had no one to talk to. In my past no one believed me and so no one was going to believe me this time either. His family doesn’t think that he could hurt a fly. No one wants to get involved. A city policeman lived next door and I asked him one day if he had ever heard the screams coming from our apartment and if he would do something about it. All he told me to do was to call the police department and get a restraining order on him. Well I couldn’t do that because my family wouldn’t believe me and I would always be the one to take the blame. So I just stopped using my body to talk and that seemed to help. It was during this time that I forced him into counseling, which made our relationship worse instead of better. My husband always cut me off when I was speaking. He would do things like say “what” when I had only gotten 2 or 3 words out. Of course at the beginning that would mess up my train of thought. I almost stopped talking to him altogether. That was one of the times that we went to counseling together and the counselor saw what he was doing and tore into him. I was surprised at his actions but at the same time relieved that someone else saw what was going on and I wasn’t making it and/or crazy. I did set one boundary though and that was that he never ever manhandle me like that again, and he hasn’t.

I started my own business there sewing for people and I was happy with that. It gave me a sense of this is mine and no one can take it away and self confidence. I loved working with people and providing a service to them. One time I was making costumes for a parade and it was good and all. The same time this was going on my husband had me do a dinner party for his family. He had reserved the Knight’s of Columbus Hall for the day and he wanted it to be like our first family gathering. Well those people that I was making their costumes for changed their mind at the last minute and wanted me to sew up some head dresses that would go with their costumes. It was the day of the Family Gathering! What a tight schedule. My daughter, what a nice person she is, helped me put those headdresses together.   My business meant a whole lot to me and keeping my customer happy was important. I couldn’t schedule it another day because the parade was also on that day. It was a deadline that I had to make. Well no one at the Knight’s of Columbus told me how the stoves worked and I thought that I had them on. Come to find out they were on but I couldn’t get them hot enough. It was ½ hour before everyone came that I put the dish in to re-heat. They did not know the dish was supposed to be served hot and they all liked it. Only after they all left and my daughter and I were cleaning up he took me aside and told me how disappointed he was in me. Yeah That Hurt! I wanted to make a good impression on his family and I thought that I did well pulling it all together. I thought that I did well with the change in plans from my customer and getting the dinner party done and yet it wasn’t good enough.

I remember him saying things like he is going to break me. I didn’t know what he meant. I did everything he wanted me to do. I went to church with him, to all of his Knight’s of Columbus functions and other things we did together. I kept the apartment clean even with making messes when I had unfinished sewing projects all over the place. I also put him in a good light. So I really didn’t know what he was going to break me from.

Everyone except my daughters saw only the good and right things in our relationship. On the outside it looked like the perfect marriage. I went to counseling by myself once and it was a women’s group but it was for mostly addicts and I wasn’t one of those so I quit going. I didn’t feel that I was getting what I was paying for out of it. That was then.

Well we moved and I lost my business and struggled to find other work that I could do and it was bits and pieces here and there, but nothing like I wanted. Certainly it was nothing my husband wanted because he kept trying to keep me to the agreement we had before we got married and that was that we both would have full time jobs. Things changed thought with me and I could not find work and when I did it was only for a short time and part time at that. 5 jobs I had total that ended like that. I would be glad and start making a budget so that we could get our heads above water and boom I lost the job. When we moved here I couldn’t get a job because our house was being remodeled—big time. We had many problems with that and my self-esteem plummeted because each time something didn’t go right it was my fault. Oh and if people did us wrong they became my friends. Even if I had never met them before and he knew them from work or school or a neighbor or the Knight’s they were my friends when they did something bad. He still does this to me.

Another odd thing that I was picking up on was that every time that I told him to do something or showed him what I wanted done and how to do it he would give me a fight. I began to notice that this was only for woman or me. I didn’t put this together until just recently. I thought something seriously happened to him in his past that he just couldn’t handle a woman telling him what to do. It was little things like this that I could not put my finger on that was going wrong.

I also thought that our intimate moments would be better since we are in a home of our own and that we didn’t live sandwiched between neighbors above us and below us. That didn’t become so. Each time I initiated I was ignored. When I touched him in certain parts of his body he would jump back as if I had hit him with a knife or some sharp object. When I walked in front of him with lingerie he wouldn’t even look at me. When I wore new perfume he would even notice me or say anything. I even tried dressing up for him like I had a job outside the home and not a single response. When we did do the deed in the bedroom it was always in the dark, with my eyes closed and facing away from him. I read about becoming a virgin again sometime ago and I do believe I am that now. The place where a woman has children is closed up to where it is when one is 12 years old. This may sound funny for some of you but I can assure you that it is not funny to me. I couldn’t have it if I wanted it now and if so it would take some time in getting the body part loose enough to enjoy it. So I don’t even want that anymore. When holding his hand he pushed me away. When going to kiss him, it is traumatic for me. Why would giving your husband a kiss be traumatic you ask? Well the last time that I did go to kiss him he waited until I almost touched his lips he jerked his head around so fast it almost broke my nose. It has gotten better years after my personal counseling that I had on the phone. I don’t initiate anything anymore. I feel dead. We went to another marriage counselor together and what he did was appalling to me. When I mentioned about the shower my husband interrupted me and told the counselor that I liked it and I laughed about it. I could not believe what I was hearing. The counselor gave us some names of books to read. Ha! My husband will not read a book it it was to save his life so I did not push to go back to him again.

I wish you could know just how hard this was to write back in 2011. I believe I am waking up because tears were welling up in my eyes and that was something they haven’t done in some time. I never thought that I could just get to be stone, but writing this I have just realized that I was.

I was semi watching a program on the TV a few months ago that caught my attention. I wasn’t paying attention to what was on really but when a woman came on and said that she had to have her eyes closed and the room dark and her look away that got my attention. The first thought that came to mind was, how the heck did she know about what went on in my bedroom. So I watched it more and got a pen and paper and wrote down the information that was at the end of the program. It took me a few days until I called the number. I think that I was in some kind of shock to know others are going through the same things that I have been going through for 13 years.

When I called the number a man answered the phone. That is not unusual but what was unusual is that when I was told to get in touch with a counselor there she told me that he rarely answers the phone. I told the counselor what was going on and she told me to get some video’s and a workbook. I was a little leery of this because we had gone through counseling before and it didn’t work. This time though I sat myself down and thought about all this and decided to take a different approach. I was going to do this for me. If my husband wanted to get counseling he could and if he didn’t well that was his problem, not mine. I had to find a way to deal with all this and I had tried everything that I could think of before. I was at my wit’s end. BTW, he never got counseling and he denies that he ever abused me to this day.

I had to tell him that I was going to do this because he now has the checkbook and the budget and is doing all the bill paying. He did not take that over, but I pushed it on him. I told him that I was going to do this and that some money was going to be coming out of the checking account. Oh yes, I took down all his debit card information and have that in a safe place. I don’t buy things that he doesn’t know about first. That is what he did when I had the checking and I was paying the bills. He would purchase something and not tell me and something, a lot of things, would bounce. I put it in a way that he could not refuse. I also bought the video that pertained to how I felt and that was “Married and Alone”. I also ordered the workbook to go along with it. I learned that all the things that I was going through others have or are going through too. I was put in group counseling that is done over the telephone. What a great way to do it this way! It’s hard when there aren’t any counselors that know about this in my area and I can’t get to them if there are. So this worked out great for me. Going through counseling is kind of hard because it dredges up the past that I just wanted to put behind me and stuff it all in a box in the back of my mind. Going through all of it again though is how I came to feel like I was made to be a “Stepford Wife”. I am to be the perfect wife, with the perfectly clean house and do just as he says. It is as if when he has a Knight’s Of Columbus or a Job related social event that I am brought out of the box and paraded around as his wonderful and loving wife. I am known to others as his Executive Secretary. When back home again I become the lowly maid. It has happened like that for years now and I am tired of not being appreciated or loved and ignored.

There is a name for this type of behavior and it is: “Intimacy Anorexia”. Everything makes sense now. That being so doesn’t cure the problem though. Anger is the first stage just like in any grief process or of Waking Up. Of course I ws in denial when I blamed his accident or that I was doing something wrong. Now that I know that these types of people do this intentionally, on purpose, I am very angry. I cannot seem to get my head around anyone who would be so kind, considerate and loving before marriage and use the “Bait and Switch” tactic after marriage. It goes beyond the thought of he has you now he doesn’t’ need to work for you. It is way beyond that. It has nothing to do with them not wanting to be married else they wouldn’t have asked in the first place. I just cannot fathom how a person can be so cruel and show so much hate for another they are married too. It just does not make sense…..yet.
These are the signs of an Intimacy Anorexic. Pay attention to them because like me they come on subtly at first so you don’t seem to notice them or can’t seem to put your finger on them.

The criteria for Intimacy Anorexia are:

Staying so busy that you have little time for your spouse.

When issues come up your first reflex or response is to blame your spouse.

Withholding love from your spouse.

Withholding praise from your spouse.

Withholding sex from your spouse or not being present during sex.

Unwilling or unable to share your authentic feelings with your spouse.

Using anger or silence to control your spouse.

Having ongoing or ungrounded criticism, spoken or unspoken, towards your spouse.

Controlling or shaming your spouse regarding money or spending.

"Intimacy anorexics don't know for the most part they are starving their spouse of intimacy, but most spouses of intimacy anorexics have to beg to be loved, touched or to have sex."

“Intimacy anorexia can be caused by sexual abuse, sexual addiction or family of origin issues.”

This is why and it confirms my thoughts that something did in fact happen to him while growing up. I am not about to get a divorce because he is broken. What I am in it for is the love that he once showed me and I am hoping that he will be able to show me again. I certainly have asked and he seems to be trying.

Through my own counseling I have learned how to deal with the pain and how to deflect his anger and wanting to fight and all the things on the list above. I have learned lots about myself through that counseling. Some times, when he is sleeping on the couch, I can’t help myself but to keep looking at him and wondering who he is. He isn’t the man that I thought that I marryied. I have often asked him why did he choose to marry me and I don’t get an answer back. All I get is my question repeated back to me. It’s like talking to a mirror that can talk back only it just repeats what I say instead of giving me an answer back.

He used to mock me too and I have found a way, through the counseling, how to deflect that. Sometimes it is like talking to a child in that he will contantly repeat what I say to him word for word and so I just stop saying anything. for word. It’s like living with Dr Jekyl/Mr.Hyde. It took me a while to understand what he was doing and that he really liked getting me upset. I don’t allow him to push that button anymore. Now when he does it I just walk out. I know that is what he wants me to do, but at the same time he wants to get a rise out of me and I will not give him that pleasure anymore. I don’t feel that I have any other choice.

When being in a situation like this we will jump through many hoops that the Intimacy Anorexic partner wants. We try to do things better and more of them so that he will notice us. We will jump through many hoops to get that attention all in vain. So we clean the house better, or wash the car or take the kids to other places, pack lunches, get up early with him, fix him breakfast stay up late when he gets home and many other things. Some have homeschooled and it isn’t enough. My husband asks me things like: how long did it take you to do that. I don’t have any idea. I don’t look at a clock when I am going to write or when I clean the kitchen or the house or anything like that in my day. I just do them.

He used to wait until the last minute to tell me that he needs me to write a letter for him. or do some of his office work forhim. Heck I wrote his last college papers up for him. I think that I should have his degree and not him. I stopped that though. He got mad, but then again he wasn't learning anything and I was the student....of a whole lot more about cheating and being used than anything else then. It’s all about setting boundaries. I am learning more and more about them, but first I have to notice the ones that are being pushed before I can do something about them. There is the problem. It has been like 3 years and I still have to keep aware.

Crazy Making is another one on that list of things that they do. It messes with your mind. He would tell me something that I said or did when I know that I have not and then call me a liar when I don’t remember saying or doing it. He has told me that we did something together when I know we have not. There is this concept of the “Good Box” and the “Bad Box”. He loves to be in that “Good Box” because it strokes his ego and he likes everyone to see and think that he is all good and can do nothing bad or wrong. Meanwhile I am put in the “Bad Box”. Everything that I say or do is not acceptable and I am the bad person for bringing out anything that is not good about him. I am made to feel guilt about it all and that I am the crazy one. In fact there is something mentioned about this in the workbook that I am going through.

Through counseling I have also learned that most of their words mean nothing as they lie constantly but you have to watch and listen to their actions. Actions do speak louder than words in this case.

I thought that I was the cause and that I was the one sabotaging all my work at home jobs that I have had in the last 8 years. When looking back I find it wasn’t me that was doing this, it was him. Oh I am not trying to blame him but put the cause in the right place.

There is a reason why we only have one car now. I had my own car and loved it. Then we were given another car, yes given. and I had the choice of getting my husband’s that was paid for or using mine. Well we live on a wooded mountain on dirt roads and my little Toyota Tercel isn’t heavy enough to drive on the ice and snow so I decided to sell that one and use the one that my husband gave me. Sounds all good, huh? Well his car that was given to him was having some issues and he got it in an accident and it was in the shop. He needed a car to get to work and took mine. Well one day he was coming home from church and we had a freak and fast ice storm and a few vehicles were in an accident in front of the road that we turn on to get to our house. He sees this and decides to go down the hill anyway and he ends up totaling my car. So now we have one car and that isn’t the end of that. Ironic the circumstances surrounding that accident....I was nowhere near him and I was blamed for it. He kept telling me that he was just trying to get home. He has never taken responsibility for his own actions for that. He was talking like there was someone else in the car with him or that was using his body to drive it. It was only he that was in that car. That was a difficult thinking process for him.

His actions are telling me that he wants a 20’s wife or Stepford Wife at the same time I am supposed to work outside the home. I amconstantly being put on that gult trip about not working outside the home and it just kills me. I am exactly where he wants me to be. I feel trapped. I simply cannot be two people in the same body and I certainly am not Wonder Woman.

I have learned that I have to draw him out. This is hard to do when all this time I reached out to him and now I have to ignore him to get his attention. I have seen a difference and yes I know that it is his choice and he chooses to do what he does intentionally.

My first encounter with this type of response was when he was leaving for work and he said come get your hug and I said no. He did repeat it a few times and he got kind of irritated with me. I simply asked why can’t you come to me for a hug. So he did and I did not hug him back.   Do you know how hard that is to do? It’s very hard. The reaction that I got was priceless. He picked up my arms and threw them around him. I just hung there like a ragdoll. When he went out the door to go to work he asked why I didn’t hug him and I answered with why don’t you hold my hand. That was the first instance that I had to learn to set boundaries and stick to them..

That was years ago that I had the experience of learning to set my boundaries and sticking to them. It is much easier now. He read my last post about next post will be about how my 2nd husband abused me too. He still seems to think that picking someone up without their permission and putting them in a shower fully clothed is not abuse. He got on that kick about him working three jobs to pay the bills. Oh dont feel sorry for him, please. He just loves to bring me down at any time he feels that he can and yes he did. What doesn't make sense is that for one he tells me that he likes those jobs. The next one that really doesn't make sense is that he said that he didn't have gas money, then he wanted to take me out riding around, then he got the yard done and paid someone for that and I had to cut the grocery list in half and then he blames that all on me? Puuuuleeeze!

I don't know what all brought his on except for my comment. He is in denial of what and how he abused me. He is much better with me now.

If you feel or see this in your relationship please call Heart2Heart Counseling at 719-264-0078 or find a counselor in your area that knows about this.

2Subject: Re: It Is Called Intimacy Anorexia Wed Dec 09, 2015 2:45 pm

You must love him to still be with him. I cannot fandom a relationship where both parties are not happy, much less where one is unhappy. We are supposed to love each other, which means doing all we can to make the other happy, however they are supposed to do the same.

I married in my upper 20's, because if a man tried to push me around I wanted nothing to do with him. If he let me push him around, I wanted nothing to do with him. Plus I wasn't looking for someone to take care of me, nor was I looking for someone to take care of. I was looking for an equal, someone to stand beside me sharing all things equally. If he didn't come along I would still be single.

Please make a list of what will make you happy in a relationship, ALL RELATIONSHIPS, and do not excuse the faults of others by blaming yourself for so and so and such and such that results in anything less than happy.
Then yourself this, are you truly happy?

Remember this, we are not responsible for the actions of others, they are,
We are only responsible for our own actions.

3Subject: Re: It Is Called Intimacy Anorexia Wed Dec 09, 2015 2:57 pm

Skytiger wrote:: You must love him to still be with him. I cannot fandom a relationship where both parties are not happy, much less where one is unhappy. We are supposed to love each other, which means doing all we can to make the other happy, however they are supposed to do the same.

I married in my upper 20's, because if a man tried to push me around I wanted nothing to do with him. If he let me push him around, I wanted nothing to do with him. Plus I wasn't looking for someone to take care of me, nor was I looking for someone to take care of. I was looking for an equal, someone to stand beside me sharing all things equally. If he didn't come along I would still be single.

Please make a list of what will make you happy in a relationship, ALL RELATIONSHIPS, and do not excuse the faults of others by blaming yourself for so and so and such and such that results in anything less than happy.
Then yourself this, are you truly happy?

Remember this, we are not responsible for the actions of others, they are,
We are only responsible for our own actions.

....and RE-actions.
I am happy. I just have to stay on my toes. I am learning and I didn't marry him when I was 20 something. I had a prevous marriage and two daughters who were grown when I met this man.

4Subject: Re: It Is Called Intimacy Anorexia Wed Dec 09, 2015 4:00 pm

If your happy, I'm happy for you.

5Subject: Re: It Is Called Intimacy Anorexia Wed Dec 09, 2015 4:13 pm

Oh I don't let people rule me anymore. This is what I posted about my new found freedom and the way they treat me. Suppressing has an end and the day that one gets up and speaks out for themselves is that end, but there is a lot of crap put on top of you until you cannot take anymore.

Had Enough

It has been two or more years, I forget if it is three or just the two that some family members have ignored me. Yes, IGNORED me. Last year I asked one of my daughters if we were doing anything with them for the holidays. I never got an answer back, so I told her that I would just mail the kids’ stuff to them. This year I asked again and got no response.

I asked specifically why she and her sister were ignoring me. Wow the answer that I got back kind of shocked me and sent me reeling into anger and disbelief. I got sick after that and it has taken me a week to recover. I have Ulcerative Colitis and stress aggravates it. My thoughts aggravate it. I go to lie down and get some sleep but the thoughts keep on and on and on. The stress just does not stop no matter how I try to stop my thoughts. I guess you can call that being sensitive, but Hey Wait a minute…….we are talking about me now and how I got this way and what affects me and all that.
My daughter told me that I said some pretty nasty things to my mom and to my sister and that she thought that they had had enough and are now ignoring me. She has no idea and she will never see what my mother does to me. My mother always treated her very well. EXCUSE ME!!! What about me and when do I get to say that, “I have had enough?”

Ever since my dad passed away two years ago, I have bared my soul and my abuse. Someone mentioned that it was good to get our childhood out to heal. Well I can tell you this is not in my childhood but from my adulthood. I only added the adulthood chapters in this chapter and I guess that I will have to make another list of my childhood stories. Those are called “Whispers From Oz” I named it that way before the “Tinman” series came out. Funny how some of that series was like part of my life too only my parents were the same and they were mine, not like in the series. Things were given to me in dreams and visions back them. They were just tiny snippets of things that would eventually come true.

For some reason I was made a tiny child. I weighed only 4’ 4 ¼ ounces at birth. I didn’t grow much for a long time. I can’t figure that one out but my sister towered over me….in more ways than one. Every time my sister did something bad, I was punished for it. She had more friends than I and was constantly telling me what to do….so she would not get into trouble. Oh I did some doozies too, but it continued after we grew up. So far I have been told to take down my stories by her and another relative told me that I was not telling the truth. I tell you if they don’t like it then they can write their own story. I also have a cousin who thinks that I am Satan, for what I believe.

I do not get appreciated for all that I have done and the sacrifices that I have made. No, since their dad and I divorced it is as if nothing and I never happened before then. Their dad has done everything for them….That was very apparent at my daughter’s wedding. Everyone but me was recognized for raising my daughter. That hurt so bad, you cannot believe. I didn’t get the first dance with my new son-in-law either. It was almost like I was invisible. I was also sat behind a pole and could barely see the cutting of the cake. So much for choosing to raise my children myself without sending them to a babysitter or childcare center. So much for choosing raising them above getting a job and having a career. They were my career! No where am I appreciated for those sacrifices. Their father was not home all that much. He decided to stay at his parent’s while he was going to college, which he was flunking out of. When we moved to Florida he had a job that used him for all the hours that they could get him. What I mean by that was he was salaried and they could have him work all kinds of long hours and they wouldn’t have to pay him for any overtime. Then he got a job that sent him to Georgia and he was allowed to come home once every third weekend……..and who do you think was raising the girls then………………..Oh they forget.

I loved living in Florida and when we divorce it was my intention to move back there. Well my youngest daughter was hoping for that too, but then I met my second husband and that was pushed out. I also didn’t win the lottery either that would have helped in that situation. It wasn’t meant to be though now that I look back on it. All the people that we knew while living in Florida moved away from that state…for some reason. There was nothing to go back too. That was apparent to me when we went down there for a visit and I got another DVT and ended up in the hospital there. Nobody could afford or was too busy with their own lives to put the girls up for the week or so. My ex wanted my daughter to just take my car and leave me there. My daughter bolted at that and rightly so. You see I know things about him that he doesn’t think that I know. He punished me harshly that I was having some affair. Yes, I told him that I was way before we moved to Florida. I was also blackmailed into telling my husband that as the guy that I was seeing knew about me being raped. He told me that if I didn’t tell my husband about it that he was. So I had to come completely clean with my husband. He didn’t believe me after several attempts telling him. I wrote it up in a poem and here is that poem. Oh and I went to a couple of counseling session after moving to Florida and he went with me for one of them. He still said that he didn’t believe me because he thought it was too bizarre. Well let me tell you about what or how I thought of it all……

I SAID NO

Mom, he is bad news said my daughter

But that was putting the train behind the caboose

As my life and love and trust were already being slaughtered

Because he had already started his abuse

You said take your clothes off thrice

You must have been hard of hearing

Because I said no thrice

But to you that had no bearing

I couldn’t look into your eyes

For all the times that I said “No”

You just kept looking at me with hungry eyes

It was all becoming so surreal you know

It’s hard to remember my clothes coming off

But I remember you laying me down softly

You wanting to pop off

And I wanting you to leave me

For my very life I was afraid

If I had yelled or screamed you know

So the choices were made

That I would not be thrown through my bedroom window

Wishing I could scream and someone hear me

And then I don’t remember no more

For it was Jesus who came and took me

So I would not feel the pain no more

I watched you from the top of my room

Everything was in a haze of yellow

I did not hear what was going on in the room

I had no feelings and everything was mellow

Jesus had his arms around me

He said that everything will be OK

I understood that this was meant to be

And there on the bed I was to lay

I don’t remember you leaving

My thoughts were spinning as I lay there

Something surely left my heart bleeding

What had happened was not quite clear

I remember feeling dirty

Not one call did I make to you

Showers and baths they must have been thirty

Confusing thoughts was what I had of you

For you this was not the only time

Once you threw me over my furniture

It would not be the last time

But this time was your overture

My husband I did tell

Bizarre he thought it was

Leaving me to live in hell

He said it was a story I made up just because

I thought that no one would believe me

You were an ex- police officer

And so your story would have more credibility

This was certainly not the justice that I deserve

Two young girls I was to raise

And for them I was to be silent

The rest of my life was a maze

Preachers and Pastors and clergy I begged for my repent

They told me that it was my fault

For it was how I was dressed or what I was wearing

One told me that I got a job outside the home and that was my fault

Because of that I deserved what I was bearing

No one understood me when I said No

Through a glass I felt that I was shouting

How many times should I have said “NO?”

I did not dress the way they were recounting

It was the end of fall

I was wearing corduroy’s and a thick heavy sweater

Nothing revealing that is all

I was simply dressed for the weather.

I was not dressed to share my goods

Three times I said NO

Yet no one has really understood

No one would believe me you know

Everything was not OK

My life was changed by force

You didn’t have a high price to pay

With you there was no remorse

You took my innocence and my trust

You shot through my heart with your bow and arrow

So telling my story is a must

Girls all over the world are abused like this take a hard blow

Many girls have their own stories that began when they said “No”

Some are untold and in silent they live their lives

No doesn’t mean yes, it means NO

You better listen because most of us are not telling lies

Trust is broken and she cannot reveal

Can’t you hear me when I say “No”

So her whole life there is something missing that she cannot feel

And her words were disbelieved the moment that she said, “No”

This happened a many a year

This woman that I am still can’t believe

That there is still the victim’s fear

In today’s society, that has supposedly grown so, how can this still be?

It is common knowledge that men and society will chastise their wife for having an affair …. But at the same time they are the ones having the affair and in some circles are thought to be a good thing. HA! Yep my parent’s caught him in it. I knew her name, still do. He is all good a great, but he has lied to the girls because, even not knowing what the lie was, I could tell by the changes in the girl’s attitudes towards me. I never said a word because I did not want to put them in the middle…..oh but my youngest daughter did that and so I called her out on some of them and that is when she blocked me. I wanted to keep it peaceful, strange that…and it was not peaceful because he got more and more bossy. I did learn, but it took years to see what I was allowing. Oh and he pulled a stunt one day that confused all of us. my new husband and I were at my parents and he pulls into the driveway. At first I didn’t know who it was. He comes up the stairs. He brought his new wife there and introduced her to my parents, while my husband and I were sitting there in the living room. We all were like, What was that all about and why would he even do this?

Since everyone already knows that my daughter had a child and gave her up for adoption, I might as well release that stress. She made me promise that I would not tell anyone about that, so I kept her secret. I found out while at my parent’s when my dad passed away that everyone knew about that. I am livid! Meanwhile, she has the gall to tell people that I called her a slut and I have not. For God’s sake she is my daughter and I would not have even thought of that, yet she tells everyone that. Everyone believes her, of course. She goes and tells people that I never helped her. OMG! We spent all of our tax returns ($600) fixing her outside water pipes one year. She said that her father wouldn’t do it for her….I don’t think that I will believe that story just by her track record of telling lies. HA! And she told me that her dad is a Pathological Liar. She lied to me when she came and told me that she was pregnant. First story was the she didn’t know who the father was. A couple of months go by and she tells me that the father didn’t want to have anything to do with her or the baby. I had not heard from her in a while and call her sister to see what was going on with her or if she was OK. I get told that she is having the baby right now…..and I am called the Manipulator and that I say bad things to people and that they have had enough…….I beg your pardon…..I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. I am tired of being lied to and lied about and I have just had enough of it all.

What does it mean by “keep the peace?” Is keeping the peace really good for all? At what expense does it mean to the person who tries to “keep the peace?” In my case keeping the peace means let others stomp all over you and make it that you are the one that is doing the manipulating and the lying. It means to lie down and take it all because you are a woman and that you don’t have a job working for someone else so you don’t matter. That has what it all has come to in this world today. Mothers who stay home to raise their own children don’t matter. Hell my kids think that I don’t matter and I chose to be a stay at home mother for them. What the hell! I was little and so that makes it OK to be someone’s punching bag. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THAT.

Effects of being suppressed: A perfect example is in this article and at the end it does use the same description as I have about being a “Punching Bag for others.”
http://www.psychmechanics.com/2014/08/effects-of-suppressing-your-emotions.html

When I married my 2nd husband he abused me too but it was through him that I learned about what I was doing. Yes, I was doing some things and through counseling I learned how to look in the mirror. You see there aren’t always all bad things in that mirror, but it does take a strong person to do so and to see and accept the things that one has learned for many years. It is hard to UN-learn some things as well. That will be in the next chapter.

6Subject: Re: It Is Called Intimacy Anorexia Wed Dec 09, 2015 5:12 pm

Sounds like you signed up for LOTS of lessons this time.

One of the best things I've learned this time. You don't have to like someone to love them, nor do you have to be around people just because their kin folk. Some of my relatives are certifiable, others will steal and lie to make you look bad. My solution. Be myself and walk away from confrontation. After a time, truth will be uncovered so why worry. I don't need anyone who lies, cheats, and especially those who want to fight.
Just because we have the same blood, doesn't mean I'm tied to them.
Another great truth for me,

In life we pick our true friends, who are rarely relatives .....even though we pick our families before birth to learn lessons.......

Sometimes the lesson is to simply walk away.

I've done that with relatives and non relatives, even on line, and feel so much better for having done so.

7Subject: Re: It Is Called Intimacy Anorexia Wed Dec 09, 2015 6:41 pm

Lady Guinevere wrote:

Skytiger wrote:: You must love him to still be with him. I cannot fandom a relationship where both parties are not happy, much less where one is unhappy. We are supposed to love each other, which means doing all we can to make the other happy, however they are supposed to do the same.

I married in my upper 20's, because if a man tried to push me around I wanted nothing to do with him. If he let me push him around, I wanted nothing to do with him. Plus I wasn't looking for someone to take care of me, nor was I looking for someone to take care of. I was looking for an equal, someone to stand beside me sharing all things equally. If he didn't come along I would still be single.

Please make a list of what will make you happy in a relationship, ALL RELATIONSHIPS, and do not excuse the faults of others by blaming yourself for so and so and such and such that results in anything less than happy.
Then yourself this, are you truly happy?

Remember this, we are not responsible for the actions of others, they are,
We are only responsible for our own actions.

....and RE-actions.
I am happy. I just have to stay on my toes. I am learning and I didn't marry him when I was 20 something. I had a prevous marriage and two daughters who were grown when I met this man.

When I was first submitting my writings on controversial social, political, and spiritual matters to underground matters back in the mid-Fifties, my great aunt gave me some advice that I've heeded right up till today: "Write anything you want about sex, love, marriage, etc. but never get personal about it, in the sense of writing about yourself or anyone you know." And I've also always felt quite squeamish about commenting on such writings by other people. So I rarely post in threads like this one.

However, I'll admit there's a lot to be learned by reading here and I intend to do so. but probably won't post again.

8Subject: Re: It Is Called Intimacy Anorexia Thu Dec 10, 2015 5:30 am

RR, My experiences with the Intimacy Anorexia are to show others that there is such a thing. When we had gone to so many counselors, I found that none of them even knew that this condition even existed. THAT is why I write this. Many marriage counselors don't have a clue.

9Subject: Re: It Is Called Intimacy Anorexia Thu Dec 10, 2015 10:39 am

Lady Guinevere wrote:: RR, My experiences with the Intimacy Anorexia are to show others that there is such a thing. When we had gone to so many counselors, I found that none of them even knew that this condition even existed. THAT is why I write this. Many marriage counselors don't have a clue.

Oops! I'm going to go back on what I said above and post again right away, but not on the subject of Intimacy Anorexia itself.

I'm amazed that many marriage counselors today "don't have a clue" about this about this condition, which is present to one extent or another in a very large number of troubled marital relationships. It was given quite a bit of attention in Sigmund Freud's original writings on psychoanalysis, presented using a variety of different verbal descriptions of the symptoms and possible treatments. I don't know who coined the term or when, but the concepts behind it should be familiar to anyone who claims to be a professional in psychotherapy or marital counseling.

10Subject: Re: It Is Called Intimacy Anorexia Thu Dec 10, 2015 12:00 pm

We went to one counselor and she devided us up and then would not give me any idea what my husband said that I was doing. That was why both wanted to go...to have a mediator and she said that she was. Both of us stopped going to her. These may be other abusive things related together by others, but I am not lying when I say that when I went to find another counselor they did not have any idea that there was such a thing as Intimancy Anorexia or how to treat it. Some do get better and some do not at all. Many get divorced and in the classes that I went to on-phone they gear it to getting divorce. A few ladies left and found another counselor. My husband never went to counseling. It really isn't about them. It is about how we react and how to use certain types of deflections. Men are not the only ones that have this either.

11Subject: Re: It Is Called Intimacy Anorexia Thu Dec 10, 2015 12:37 pm

http://www.drdougweiss.com/blog/intimacy-anorexia/why-wont-they-love-me/

It’s this secret life that I discovered years into counseling couples and it’s something I want to share with you so that you can help someone you may know as well. The name of this secret is Intimacy Anorexia. Intimacy anorexia only shows up inside of a marriage or long term committed relationship. To everyone else, this person looks and acts very normal, even engaging. However, when they go home they are disconnected and even avoidant of any real intimacy with their spouse or partner. They prefer a book, television, their cell phone, work, computer, almost anything else that helps them avoid connecting with their spouse.
Their spouse feels unwanted, unnoticed, hurt, resentful, and angry. They have to beg to be loved, heard, seen or touched. In public, their spouse pretends to be affectionate and caring but at home rarely a praise or any touch is given. Sounds crazy, right?
Intimacy anorexia is rampant and either spouse can have this issue. Similar to the addictions that I treat in my office, there is a lot of denial around being an intimacy anorexic. Be aware of this if you are trying to address it with someone you know.
Let’s further define this relationship paradigm called intimacy anorexia. Intimacy anorexia is the active withholding of emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy from the spouse or primary partner. Sharing a story of an intimacy anorexic is a good way to help you identify actual behaviors found in this secret relationship. Let’s look at the marriages of two couples, Joe and Mary and Nancy and Tom.